Moms have to say some stupid shit and our kids are the reason. In honor of Mother’s Day, let’s all stand in solidarity together and recognize that some of the shit we have to actually verbalize to our kids is not only ridiculous but embarrassing. Who ARE these animals living in our house? Below is a list of things I have actually said to my kids in the past week. Hooray for Moms and all the stupid shit we say!
“That’s an oven not a toy!”
“Please tell me ONE good thing about this dinner I so lovingly made for you.”
“Please eat your fried chicken!” (I will kiss the next person who begs me to eat fried chicken)
“Honey, you have to remember that your sister is an actual person…with feelings. Just like you”
“There are lots of annoying people in this world. You are going to have to get used to them.”
“Just ignore all the people.”
“Please take your foot out of your mouth.”
“Yes, I know your teeth are bones and that you like touching bones but please take your fingers out of your mouth.”
“What is in your mouth?”
“Yes, you have to take a bath! It has been 3 days!”
“Yes, you have to take a shower – there is dirt in between your toes.”
“Yes, you have to use soap in the shower, otherwise you will just smell like a wet dog.”
“When was the last time you changed your panties?”
“Are you even wearing panties?”
“Would the owner of these dirty panties (found on the stairs) please claim them and put them in the laundry?”
“Please don’t try to ride the dog like a horse…she doesn’t like that.”
“Leaning on the dog doesn’t feel good for the dog”
“Don’t touch the dog.”
“Please go to sleep” (more than kisses for the next person who says this to me!)
“Please don’t touch the toilet water.”
“Did you wipe?”
“No, you can’t have a Snickers right now – we don’t eat candy for breakfast!”
“No, I can’t make a plate of food for your American Girl Doll”
“If you will eat that fried chicken, I will make a plate of food for your American Girl Doll…”
“No, I can’t fix your Barbie’s hair”
“No, you can’t cut your Barbie’s hair”
“Well, I am sorry but I don’t know how that My Little Pony’s voice sounds.”
“I’m sorry I can’t put the pants on that Build-A-Bear right now, I am in the middle of taking this chicken dinner out of the oven…go find Daddy. He will help you.”
“Oh look, here comes Daddy…maybe he knows why we can’t see God”
If any of these sound familiar, Happy Mother’s Day!
P.S. I know that for really good Dads, like my husband and my Dad, some of these will sound familiar to you as well. Happy Mother’s Day to those Dads too.
Amy Greene 
Love this! To add to the list, I recently said – “If you poop on the toilet, I will give you candy” – to my potty training toddler. I wish I got candy every time I took a shit 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day Amy.
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